Looking Back: 2015 in Review

I can't believe it. Another year has come and gone. And while I look back and reflect on 2015, it seems as though nothing has changed, yet at the same time, everything has changed. I know... it doesn't make much sense. But let me explain. While on the exterior, my life might look the same but if you dig deeper... if you look at it from the inside out, you will see nothing but change. Because this year I have found myself more patient and more accepting of God's timeline and plan for my life (our life). The amount of time I spend kicking and screaming when my plans get changed or my hopes and dreams still remain month after month has greatly diminished. This year has changed my thinking and I have made it an effort live in hope. And to constantly expect and anticipate something amazing and far beyond what I could ever imagine to happen on and given day. As a result, I smile more, laugh harder and love deeper.

I am also thankful for many of you. All the support, prayers, and encouragement has help me to not give up but to press in.

Friends, my number one hopeful change for the year 2015 was to grow my family by two feet. While that didn't happen, I can't help but smile and be thankful for all that did. I can't help but reflect and acknowledge that no matter what I am facing; God truly is working and weaving to cause all things to come together for my good and his glory. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me and you this new year. I believe it will be nothing short of amazing!

I have challenged myself to keep that hope. Allen and I have decided we are going to prepare for the baby girl or boy that he will give us in his perfect timing. We put back up the crib with a mattress and crib sheet. Since its assembly on Wednesday, there have been no tears of sadness for the baby not in it but rather a smile of hope and promise that will one day be fulfilled.

“If we hope for what do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.” ~Romans 8:25

Chapter 1...

For those intrigued:

My favorite time of the year is Christmas. I love buying gifts for others, earning the Christmas songs being played non-stop on the radio, watching Christmas movies over and over, making homemade hot chocolate and all the ornament exchanges. I also love decorating my house. Allen puts the Christmas lights outside and I have the inside. Unfortunately, the devil knows it's my favorite season and so he has been working overtime to steal and destroy my joy this holiday season. In fact, I'm starting to think that he has my number on speed dial.

When Allen and I first began our fertility journey 4 years ago, we were told we had a 3% chance of having children on our own. I've had countless blood draws, daily pills and shots to try to correct a problem that I was believed to have. 4 years of feeling that we might never have the family we've talked about since before we were married. This last appointment was the best news we have heard so far. The doctor didn't see any reason why we couldn't have children on our own. My tests came back normal as did Allen's. There is no other way except a divine intervention from the Lord that my hormones could level out from where they were. This brought a new light into our home and marriage. The idea of children isn't so far fetched anymore.

About a week later I got a call from the doctor that insurance will not cover anything that deals with infertility. They won't cover the doctor appointments, the testing or anything labeled "fertility". We were devastated. How would we be able to do it? Where do we go now? We can't afford it. After a day, I began to feel peace. "Okay, God we will wait for your timing." The Holy Spirit nudged me not to seek any fertility testing or treatments.  We have started praying specifically, by name, for the children He will give us. Praying with the blanket that he/she will be swaddled in for warmth.

The Bible says, "Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Confidence: firm trust

Hope: joyful, confidence expectation

Assurance: A strong and define statement that something will happen

Hebrews 11:1 can be read like this, "Now faith is having a firm trust in what we are joyfully and confidently expecting and we have a positive statement about what we do not see."

I know our journey hasn't been that long as others. For us, whose families are VERY fertile, not being able to conceive in such an easy fashion has been a hard journey. It hasn't been easy watching everyone around me announce their pregnancy news while doctors tell me methods and medications I should try. It hasn't been easy sitting and waiting. But I will continue to wait. And I will do so patiently. Because He who promised is faithful.

"The LORD will grant you abundant property- in the fruit of your womb..." -Deuteronomy 28:11

His great plan

I heard a voice thunder from the Throne: “Look! Look! God has moved into the neighbourhood, making his home with men and women! They’re his people, he’s their God. He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone—all the first order of things gone.” Revelation 21:3-4 

Most of the time, for us, cancer isn’t a daily reality in our lives. And we like it that way. 

It’s hard to completely forget though when that yearly scan comes along to remind me that I had brain cancer at the age of 14. It’s one of those things you know you have to do but you dread because you might not like the outcome. We always pray it’ll be clear just like the year before. Is there really any other way to pray? Even praying, “Let your will be done,” seems risky. I only want God’s will to be one thing: a clean brain scan.

As I was reading a devotion that was sent to me, she so eloquently put exactly what I've been thinking:  "So often I feel that as a Christian I’m supposed to be accepting of bad things because it’s part of “God’s will”. I know God is in control. I felt it when I was first diagnosed and we have witnessed miracles when it comes to my health. But I don't think cancer is part of his will. God can use cancer to fulfill his purposes, but I don’t think God condones cancer. I think God hates cancer as much as I do. I find it pretty strange that cancer would be part of God’s will, when Revelations 21:3-4 says that when God takes us home to live with him forever there will be no sickness, pain or death. Sickness, pain and death: three words that could sum up the cancer experience for millions of people."

Yet God chooses to have none of that in heaven. In fact, he hated those things so much that he sent his own son to die, so that we could live forever without sickness, pain or death. 

I’m not sure why there is sickness, pain or death now. I wrestle with the idea that a good God can allow bad things to happen. I don’t have all the answers to why God needs to wipe so many of our tears away. 

All I have is, hope. A steady confidence that God doesn’t waste anything in my life and that he definitely does not squander sickness, pain or death. 

Well our BIG day is finally here. The past few months have been an awful road to travel on and adding to it the disheartening memory loss and excruciating headaches have made it difficult to keep my eyes on the "prize".  As we prepare our heart and minds for whatever happens Monday there is a sense of peace (for the most part). When I say we, that includes everyone that has been walking with Allen and I the past few weeks of waiting. You have been praying with us, been a shoulder to cry on, an encouraging word or even a comforting hug. 

We don't know the outcome of our days here on Earth because we are not promised tomorrow. I just have to believe, what ever His plan be, that it is BIGGER than I could ever imagine. I am prepared for whatever comes our way whether it be complete healing or fighting cancer. I've done it once and I can do it again.

                                        

prayer appreciated

I have always know God does miracles. They don't always jump out at us but sometimes just the subtle things are little miracles in the making.

At the young age of 14, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor on Mother's Day 2004. After surgery, I was up walking and talking like a normal teenager. I was told I wouldn't be able to be a normal teenager and probably wouldn't be able to play my clarinet anymore. Band Camp started in July and so did I. When school started in August, it came with its own challenges but I prevailed and maintained my good grades. Come October, I started having seizures as residual effects from the surgery and tumor. Four months of changing medications, in and out of the hospital many different times, and countless seizures left me mentally drained. Four years long years after surgery, the seizures became manageable and under control. I graduated in the top 40 of my graduating high school class. Continued into college and graduated with a degree in Chemistry and Biology. After being told that college might not be in the picture after surgery, God had different plans.

I know I am a strong person. God made me that way. He knew that in order for me to survive I would need a little more extra strength. Some of the things that have happened in the past 11 years most people won't have to deal with in their life time. Every year when it comes time for the MRI and doctors appointment my blood pressure rise. Laying there while a machine takes precise pictures of my brain...I know God has control and has a plan for my life.

I believe in the power of prayer. I believe praying for each other is part of our job. At this moment, I am calling on all of my prayer warriors. The past few months, mental and physical red flags have been thrown that have cause some alarm. After much discussion, Allen and I agreed that it needed checked out. My Neurosurgeon is concerned that the cancer has returned and an MRI is scheduled for March 2. I believe God is our ultimate healer. We are praying that whatever His will be that peace will flood over us.

If you've read all of this, cookie for you :). Definitely easier than posting to facebook.

Busy house

The Harvey house grown by 6 feet for the next few months. Allen and I, after much prayer, offered our home to a family while the father is in Afghanistan. So, no we didn't have two random children that you see on Facebook or Instagram. We are helping a dear friend raise her two beautiful children during this rough time.

 Meet Knox, 16 months, and Jane, 5.5 weeks. 

For the past months Allen and I have braved helping raise a rambunctious toddler while Sarah was in the hospital with Jane. Now, we have learned how to deal with have a toddler, a new born, and their momma in our house that we only had to deal with the dogs just a few weeks before.

New fun

For the past week, Allen and I have had a toddler in our midst pretty much 24/7.  

Allen and I love kids and want some of our own but throwing a toddler into our lives with no prior knowledge except for the one night sleep overs and play dates is kind of exhausting. Granted, we asked for it, well not really asked for it. It was one of those The Holy Spirit puts it on your heart until you listen kind of deals. We offered to open our home to a friend and her little ones. While mom is in the hospital until the baby is born, we are here with Knox. A 15 month old sweet little boy.

Before Knox our house not child proof with breakable stuff everywhere and now toys are scattered in a matter of seconds, sippy cups in the dishwasher and stepping on bath toys In the shower. Who knew kids poop that many times a day! No wonder diapers are so expensive because the companies know you will go through them so fast and they make a bigger profit. Working in the nursery, I've learned a lot about children but until you have one live with you for a couple days you have no idea. 

Allen and I love having Knox here. It livens our house a little and prepares me a little for when God gives us our miracle. I love hearing him squeal and laugh, listening to him run circles around the house and the sweet smiles he gives. Sarah, you are truly blessed with a sweet little boy. 

Growing up

 

My little sister and I are four and a half years apart.

We shared a room for 16 years and, at the time, hated every minute of it.  We tried everything to have our own separate spaces. Did the bunk bed thing and took them apart more times than I can remember.  Duck taped down the middle of the room so we each had separate halves (didn't really work).

                   

                              

I guess it didn't really hit me that I would miss sharing that tiny room until I moved out and got married. I missed sharing that room with her. I would miss all the fun times we had in that room. Like making a hammock on the side of the bunk bed (BAD IDEA!!!). Putting stuffed animals on the fan and seeing how far they would fly. Convincing our brother to jump off the bunk bed (another bad idea). All the bad ideas we had that were turned into fun memories.

 Now, we're all grown up (well almost). She's leaving for the Navy and I couldn't be prouder of her. Yeah, we have had our bad times as all sisters do but through it all she has always been one of my best friends.