Chapter 1...

For those intrigued:

My favorite time of the year is Christmas. I love buying gifts for others, earning the Christmas songs being played non-stop on the radio, watching Christmas movies over and over, making homemade hot chocolate and all the ornament exchanges. I also love decorating my house. Allen puts the Christmas lights outside and I have the inside. Unfortunately, the devil knows it's my favorite season and so he has been working overtime to steal and destroy my joy this holiday season. In fact, I'm starting to think that he has my number on speed dial.

When Allen and I first began our fertility journey 4 years ago, we were told we had a 3% chance of having children on our own. I've had countless blood draws, daily pills and shots to try to correct a problem that I was believed to have. 4 years of feeling that we might never have the family we've talked about since before we were married. This last appointment was the best news we have heard so far. The doctor didn't see any reason why we couldn't have children on our own. My tests came back normal as did Allen's. There is no other way except a divine intervention from the Lord that my hormones could level out from where they were. This brought a new light into our home and marriage. The idea of children isn't so far fetched anymore.

About a week later I got a call from the doctor that insurance will not cover anything that deals with infertility. They won't cover the doctor appointments, the testing or anything labeled "fertility". We were devastated. How would we be able to do it? Where do we go now? We can't afford it. After a day, I began to feel peace. "Okay, God we will wait for your timing." The Holy Spirit nudged me not to seek any fertility testing or treatments.  We have started praying specifically, by name, for the children He will give us. Praying with the blanket that he/she will be swaddled in for warmth.

The Bible says, "Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Confidence: firm trust

Hope: joyful, confidence expectation

Assurance: A strong and define statement that something will happen

Hebrews 11:1 can be read like this, "Now faith is having a firm trust in what we are joyfully and confidently expecting and we have a positive statement about what we do not see."

I know our journey hasn't been that long as others. For us, whose families are VERY fertile, not being able to conceive in such an easy fashion has been a hard journey. It hasn't been easy watching everyone around me announce their pregnancy news while doctors tell me methods and medications I should try. It hasn't been easy sitting and waiting. But I will continue to wait. And I will do so patiently. Because He who promised is faithful.

"The LORD will grant you abundant property- in the fruit of your womb..." -Deuteronomy 28:11

His great plan

I heard a voice thunder from the Throne: “Look! Look! God has moved into the neighbourhood, making his home with men and women! They’re his people, he’s their God. He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone—all the first order of things gone.” Revelation 21:3-4 

Most of the time, for us, cancer isn’t a daily reality in our lives. And we like it that way. 

It’s hard to completely forget though when that yearly scan comes along to remind me that I had brain cancer at the age of 14. It’s one of those things you know you have to do but you dread because you might not like the outcome. We always pray it’ll be clear just like the year before. Is there really any other way to pray? Even praying, “Let your will be done,” seems risky. I only want God’s will to be one thing: a clean brain scan.

As I was reading a devotion that was sent to me, she so eloquently put exactly what I've been thinking:  "So often I feel that as a Christian I’m supposed to be accepting of bad things because it’s part of “God’s will”. I know God is in control. I felt it when I was first diagnosed and we have witnessed miracles when it comes to my health. But I don't think cancer is part of his will. God can use cancer to fulfill his purposes, but I don’t think God condones cancer. I think God hates cancer as much as I do. I find it pretty strange that cancer would be part of God’s will, when Revelations 21:3-4 says that when God takes us home to live with him forever there will be no sickness, pain or death. Sickness, pain and death: three words that could sum up the cancer experience for millions of people."

Yet God chooses to have none of that in heaven. In fact, he hated those things so much that he sent his own son to die, so that we could live forever without sickness, pain or death. 

I’m not sure why there is sickness, pain or death now. I wrestle with the idea that a good God can allow bad things to happen. I don’t have all the answers to why God needs to wipe so many of our tears away. 

All I have is, hope. A steady confidence that God doesn’t waste anything in my life and that he definitely does not squander sickness, pain or death. 

Well our BIG day is finally here. The past few months have been an awful road to travel on and adding to it the disheartening memory loss and excruciating headaches have made it difficult to keep my eyes on the "prize".  As we prepare our heart and minds for whatever happens Monday there is a sense of peace (for the most part). When I say we, that includes everyone that has been walking with Allen and I the past few weeks of waiting. You have been praying with us, been a shoulder to cry on, an encouraging word or even a comforting hug. 

We don't know the outcome of our days here on Earth because we are not promised tomorrow. I just have to believe, what ever His plan be, that it is BIGGER than I could ever imagine. I am prepared for whatever comes our way whether it be complete healing or fighting cancer. I've done it once and I can do it again.

                                        

prayer appreciated

I have always know God does miracles. They don't always jump out at us but sometimes just the subtle things are little miracles in the making.

At the young age of 14, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor on Mother's Day 2004. After surgery, I was up walking and talking like a normal teenager. I was told I wouldn't be able to be a normal teenager and probably wouldn't be able to play my clarinet anymore. Band Camp started in July and so did I. When school started in August, it came with its own challenges but I prevailed and maintained my good grades. Come October, I started having seizures as residual effects from the surgery and tumor. Four months of changing medications, in and out of the hospital many different times, and countless seizures left me mentally drained. Four years long years after surgery, the seizures became manageable and under control. I graduated in the top 40 of my graduating high school class. Continued into college and graduated with a degree in Chemistry and Biology. After being told that college might not be in the picture after surgery, God had different plans.

I know I am a strong person. God made me that way. He knew that in order for me to survive I would need a little more extra strength. Some of the things that have happened in the past 11 years most people won't have to deal with in their life time. Every year when it comes time for the MRI and doctors appointment my blood pressure rise. Laying there while a machine takes precise pictures of my brain...I know God has control and has a plan for my life.

I believe in the power of prayer. I believe praying for each other is part of our job. At this moment, I am calling on all of my prayer warriors. The past few months, mental and physical red flags have been thrown that have cause some alarm. After much discussion, Allen and I agreed that it needed checked out. My Neurosurgeon is concerned that the cancer has returned and an MRI is scheduled for March 2. I believe God is our ultimate healer. We are praying that whatever His will be that peace will flood over us.

If you've read all of this, cookie for you :). Definitely easier than posting to facebook.